Effects of sexual assault on victims? To think life was bleak for me, suffering the consequence of a rape that had done damage to my mental health and self-esteem. I had no hope till I met this wonderful person who helped me take that step to recovery. Here is my story.
Effects of sexual assault on victims … Don’t do this, please.
“No please uncle, please don’t do this. I am your family member, it’s a crime. When my parents hear of this, they will be ashamed. I am still small, please I beg you in the name of God”
I was on my knees on the bed. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I looked around frantically, looking for a means of escape. I knew he had locked the door so there was no chance of escaping through the door. I needed something to deter him or render him weak, I desperately tried using my brain but there was nothing I could use.
His eyes were trained on me, he had that malicious glint in his eyes. He was the predator and I was the prey.
Tears were clouding my eyes already.
Effects of sexual assault on victims _Oh, I will
He moved towards me a little, “my dear Happiness, you are not my family member, three of them are in school while one of them is at work. And let me correct you, you are not in any way related to me, you are related to your aunty who is my wife. You are not a small girl, have you seen your big breast? Your aunty does not have it. Have you seen your big bumbum? Your aunty does not have it. But because you have it, I want you to give it to me and I will take good care of you. In fact, what I cannot do for your aunty, I will do for you. Ehehn, just let me have a taste. Please, I have been thinking about you for two months now. Please ehn”
He lunges towards me and reaches his hand out to catch me, I make a quick dash out of the bed but he is quicker as he stretches out his entire body and catches me by my dress.
He quickly secures me with both hands. I am shouting already, flailing my hands and kicking the air with my legs. He holds my two legs tight to prevent me from moving.
He dumps me unceremoniously on the bed and quickly pins me to it. In one swift motion, he straddles me and with one hand, pins both of my hands above my head.
He is buff and I am unable to match his strength.
While struggling, he uses one hand to unhook his belt and pushes down both his boxers and his trousers at the same time.
He maintains his stronghold while he reaches for my thighs and roughly draws me closer as I grow more frantic.
Effects of sexual assault on victims _Noooooo!!!!!!!
He reaches for my underwear and in one pull, shreds my pant. Now I am exposed, I gather the last of my strength to fight. I pray to God desperately to help me escape.
I guess God is sleeping when he roughly shoves up my gown and sinks himself into me in one swift stroke.
Pain blazes through me as I arc my body in pain and give a shrill cry of anguish.
He grunts heavily as he pounds painfully into my body. I am weak and without strength. I lie still, out of the world and tears make their way down the sides of my eyes.
“Happiness, you are sweet, I will take care of you don’t worry”
The words bounce off me and bounce off the walls, and disappear.
His strokes are faster as he roughly grabs my breasts and kneads them through my gown. He nears his finish and spills himself into me with a loud grunt. He rolls away from me and attempts to regain his breath.
I am just there, shut out from the rest of the world.
Affliction? Yes, a second time.
I am on a mountain enjoying the warmth of the sun on my skin, snacking on juicy strawberries and sweet mangoes. My hands are stained but I don’t mind. Life is really beautiful. I can hear the splash of water against the rocks.
I am brought back from my paradise with a thumping pain when someone begins to pound into me once more. He is naked now and has shredded the top of my gown. He bites my nipples roughly, and the pain shoots through me. I cry out but my voice is not there again, he kneads my breast without care. He is breathing heavily.
I imagine death, I desire to stab him to death so he can cry out in anguish as he watches his blood flow out to create a beautiful design on the floor.
If I kill him, I won’t be able to go to school. Maybe I should not kill him.
He nears his finish and grows more aggressive. When he is through, he rolls away again to lie beside me.
I didn’t know there were so many ceilings in my room.
Never to speak or I die
He holds me by the chin with his big hands and says,” Happiness, if you tell anyone, I will deal with you. I am going to kill you and destroy you.
In fact, your family will not believe you, your sister is married to my money and nothing will make her leave. Your family needs my money, they are not going to believe you.
So you see you have nothing to gain by telling people. So, dress yourself up, you don’t want your aunty to come back and meet you like this. You should be happy now, I have made you a woman. Don’t worry, I will still take care of you”.
He dresses up and leaves the room.
I am unable to move
Effects of sexual assault on victims _Life goes on
I am there for hours, in what seems like a haze of motion. I stand up and make my way to the toilet. I stand under the spray and I let it rain.
I am under the scalding heat of the water. It’s painful at first but I become numb to it.
Mind, body, and soul, I am numb.
I get rid of the shredded clothes and go down to eat.
I will eat and live.
Forgotten innocence
Two days after he comes again, I resist him when he grows frustrated, he slaps me. I try shouting but I am unable to, he covers my mouth with his big hands.
He comes in each time, and it’s less struggle each time.
Three months now, I am beginning to find pleasure in what he does.
He notices my eagerness to have him inside me and it pleases him so much.
We go at it like rabbits.
My aunty travels for a week and he goes drop the kids with his mother.
We spend a week defiling every part of the house. I am bolder in my sexual desires and he loves it.
He gives me a lot of money, he avoids buying me things so my aunty will not suspect.
And I can fly
When I gain admission into school, he is sad and promises to visit me every week.
Two months into school, I meet a guy who invites me to his house. He makes sexual advances at me and I eagerly respond.
He said he likes how I treated him in bed and he would love to bring his friends next time.
I agree with his plan, I am excited.
He brings his friends, they are four.
I am eager and happy.
They take their turns with me and I make sure to satisfy each of them.
My uncle still visits me every week, we go to a hotel and we have the time of our lives.
A few months after, I hear he died in a ghastly motor accident.
I don’t cry but I am sad. I feel empty.
Effects of sexual assault on victims _She is a cheerful giver
In a short time, I become popular in school. Well, you can guess what I am popular for.
I am called the cheerful giver. I know what they all want and I am quick to give them what they desire and more.
I have no female friends, they avoid me like a plague.
I am not bothered, I have enough male friends to keep me occupied in interesting ways.
Each sex is with a different face, a familiar stranger and sometimes they become faceless.
In between the sheets, I feel full and after the sex, when they take their exit, I feel an endless pit of loneliness.
I go off to find another who will fill me up.
Sex is my only respite and my solace. I am a happy slave to it.
Effects of sexual assault on victims _Gold in the midst of stones
Then I meet one day, a medicine student in my level.
We become friends and I already imagined him in bed. I become wet and make my advances.
He refuses me and I am shocked.
“Is this not want you want? I ask
He smiles, “I just want to be your friend”.
I am shocked but I mask my surprise, maybe he is trying to play hard to get.
He definitely isn’t playing hard to get when he invites me out for dinner and we have a good time together.
I am dressed like a whore but he doesn’t as much as glance at my humongous breasts.
He hugs me and we stay like that for a while.
I offer him sex again and he declines.
He walks me home. I am not used to such gentlemanliness.
Effects of sexual assault on victims _Something different….
Some of the guys I sleep with treat me with disdain right after they are done with me but it doesn’t matter. They are the ones who had something to prove by sleeping with me.
Sometimes, I willingly consent to rape and I like the force and the pain.
Am I pathetic?
In your mind, I am.
In my mind, well, I don’t know and I don’t care.
We have several dates and all we do is just hug. I look forward to his hugs, they are soothing. I feel safe each time he holds me in his arms and probably not so empty.
We talk many times; on phone and physically.
Everyone on campus thinks he is my boyfriend and I am cheating on him. Yes, I still have my sexcapades with other guys and share them with him. We laugh about it and he ends the conversation with “babe, take it easy”. He says to allow people to think what they want to think.
We are just friends who genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
We have a deep discussion that leaves me feeling raw. I tell him about the rape and the death of my uncle.
We are level mates both in Médicine.
Effects of sexual assault on victims _ A step of love
Our friendship clocks a year.
I respect him a lot and value his opinion. He makes me celebrate the anniversary of our friendship with him. We dine out and there, he tells me he cares about me and wants to see me better.
He says he booked a therapist for me. I laugh, I don’t know what to feel but I oblige him.
I go see the therapist. I respectfully answer her questions and we talk for a while. She asks me to tell her how I feel when I am having sex when I am not having sex, and after I have sex.
It’s disturbing but I describe in detail. Few months after, the therapist helps me see patterns and it’s negative effect on me.
I learn new things about myself. They are funny but true.
Healing
It’s a subtle process but one day in her office. I broke down and for the first time in a long time, I connected with the little girl in me and cried so much.
It marks the beginning of new things for me.
I see myself for who I am, I am pathetic and it hurts.
Those people are right.
My therapist says not to judge myself. I try but it’s hard sometimes. I am going to put in the work; put in the work to developing myself. It’s hard for me to stop thinking about my mistake.
It’s harder turning down guys who want sex. I mean I desire it too. But I am not that person anymore. So I turn them down.
They are shocked. They insult me but my friend stands up for me. I receive threats of being raped. My friend cajoles me into moving in with him.
We are closer and we hangout more often now that we’ve finished school.
He convinces me to stop going to a guy’s house and I agree with, him he is right.
When the urge for sex is there, he doesn’t judge me. Even when I get desperate and jump him. I don’t understand, I see his bulge and I want to relieve him but he declines, and reminds me I am not that person anymore.
I can see stars
He helps me channel my urge into something better like painting. Well, I realized I am good at painting and so I go learn it somewhere during our NYSC.
We live together as housemates and as friends.
We celebrate our third anniversary as friends. I decide to do something for him. We go on a short vacation all-expense paid by me with the money I made from painting. We enjoy ourselves and express our appreciation for each other. I find myself seeing stars in his eyes.
On our 5th anniversary, I am a better person. I have come a long way now, it’s been a lot of work but I am not a slave to my emotions and circumstances anymore. I have achieved much in self control and character wise.
I derive joy from painting and have gained popularity from it. I also make good money from it. Bad news trails me due to my past but I am not affected by it, my friend is a great support system.
I still go see my therapist, we still talk.
I love my friend but I am afraid.
He is my world.
And Yes to forever.
On our 6th anniversary as friends, he talked me into a candlelight dinner when all I just wanted to do was to binge on Netflix.
There, in a very private setting he proposes marriage.
I am wowed.
This is someone who has so much as not kissed me.
Second thoughts are useless. I can’t imagine life without him. I bob my yes eagerly with tears as we seal the deal with a kiss. I shed tears some more, my angel in human form.
The kiss unfurls something deep within me and I know my life is not gonna be as bleak as it has been.
In three months, we are married.
Stars… And a deeper love.
We made love and oh my, I have never seen so many stars.
These stars, I can hold in my arms and sniff.
Sex, yes it has meaning now. It connotes something deeper.
Something I hold dear, the cuddles, the short gasps, the rumpled sheets and the stolen kisses. The worship and intimacy of what is true and lasting.
Kids are here and I look at them.
No love could ever feel so deep.
I am happy.
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