How to know your partner’s love language; love them the way they want to be loved.

by Onyinye Ogbuka

We all want to love and be loved but one thing is more important than all these, knowing your partner’s love language. People are different and that is why it’s important to find what ticks them in a relationship and what creates a warm feeling of love in them. The question; how to know your partner’s love language is instrumental to a happy marriage or relationship.

How to know your partner’s love language... scratch my back and I scratch yours

Akin readjusted the laptop on his lap, his lap was warm and he would have to stand up and get his pad. He heard footsteps coming out of the inner corner of his house. “Oh great”, he said to himself, his wife could help him bring it. He saw Joy emerge into the living room and said to her, “babe, please can you help me bring my pad”. Joy hissed and strode into the kitchen.

Akin shook his head, he should have anticipated that. He stood up and went inside to get the laptop pad before settling down more comfortably on the couch to work. Akin played some music to keep him occupied as he worked on his laptop.

Joy watched as her husband moved to the beat of the song he was listening to whilst working. She liked that he worked hard but it was getting irritating. He had not even spared her a glance since morning. Her eyes lighted up at the thought that crossed her mind. She went into the bedroom and took off her clothes and undergarments. Joy donned a nice set of lingerie she bought last month and gave herself a once-over before the mirror. The person staring back at her oozed so much sensuality. She knew she was irresistible. Joy approached her husband and tried to take the laptop off him but he muttered being busy without sparing her a glance.

How to know your partner’s love language… Two became two

Joy was not going to give up without a fight, her anger resided in the fact that he was not giving her the attention she wanted. Joy stared at him for a while and when she was tired, she stood up. Her shoulders were slumped as she walked back into the house. She changed into her Pj’s and cried herself to sleep. 

Joy stirred in her sleep as the intensity of the tapping on her leg increased. She turned around to get away from the tapping, she still needed her sleep but it was to no avail. She finally sat up and opened her eyes to her excited husband. Unable to make out what he was saying she asked him to repeat himself, “baby, I just got promoted by my boss. You know the document I was working on yesterday? I sent it in and he was so impressed with my work and decided to give me that long-awaited promotion. I am damned happy babe. This is more for us, more for a better life”.

How to know what my love language is.

Joy watched him in irritation as he leapt around the room. She released a long hiss that called his attention before turning her back against him and going back to her sleep. She could feel his eyes boring holes into her back. By Jove, she did not care, she did not give a damn. She did not want to share in his victory because his promotion posed a threat to the happiness of their marriage. He could go marry his work, she just did not care.

She heard him banging the door of the room as he went out and reacted with a jolt. Joy hissed and continued sleeping.

How to know your partner’s love language… Apologies!!!

In the evening, Joy realized the day had gone by in a blur as she watched the sunset. Joy felt guilty for reacting the way she reacted in the morning. She made sure to come back from work early enough so she could make his favourite meal as her way of appeasing him. She watched with bated breath as her husband drove into the compound. 

Joy conducted a last-minute check to be sure that everything was in place. He came in and she ran to hug him, whilst muttering apologies for her behaviour in the morning. 

Akin smiled at his wife and assured her of his forgiveness. He handed her the gift he bought for her. When she opened it, it was a Bottega clutch that glittered in the light. A big smile rested on her face as she covered her mouth with her hands. Her husband was the best, even with her shitty behaviour in the morning, he had gone on to get her such a beautiful gift. She hugged him tightly again and appreciated him with kisses all over his face. 

How to know your partner’s love language… An olive branch

She led him to the dining table where he devoured the peace meal with much gusto. They talked for a while before Akin went upstairs to freshen up. Akin came down with his laptop and started working, Joy tried to distract him and watched in horror as he kept rebuffing her every effort to get his attention. She thought this night was their special night, now his damned laptop was taking her place. Joy did not like it one bit, she was tired, “what is wrong with you Akin? She cried out. “What the hell is your problem. I am tired of this”. Akin looked up from his laptop to stare at his wife, why the hell was she was shouting? He thought this night was going to be good.

Stones and sticks and bricks and more stones

She continued, “why are you like this. If this was how you were before we got married I would not have thought twice about breaking up with you.  Why are you so glued to your laptop and you wonder why I did not share your joy with you this morning. What is your problem? if you are tired of this marriage, you need to let me know. Is it so hard for you to give me a fraction of your time. Do I have to beg you to spend time with me? And funny enough, you think spending so much time on your work will make you the best at your job. Such a shame because no matter what you do, you will never be the best.

Akin felt himself recoil at what Joy said, he felt sadness overwhelm him, his wife was tearing him down with her words. He didn’t want to be around her again so he packed his laptop and made his way into the room.

Joy kept shouting as Akin made his way inside. When she had exhausted her tank of anger, she heaped herself unto the floor and cried. 

How to know the love language of your partner

This was not how she envisioned marriage. Before marriage, Akin was the most attentive man she had ever met. He showered her with attention and made her feel good about herself. When she was with him, his attention was solely on her and she found it to be a huge turn-on, he made her feel like she was the only girl in the world. Less than a dozen months into their marriage, she felt like she had made the wrong choice. Did he deceive her so he could marry her? She regretted marrying him, it was difficult.

How to know your partner's love language

Akin on the other hand tried to work but he could not concentrate. He could take his wife’s tantrums but what he could not take was her discrediting him, discrediting his work and discrediting his efforts.

How to know what my love language is

He wanted her to appreciate him but it seemed as though nothing he did would ever be enough. He even bought her a handbag to hear her appreciate him but she did not do that she rather appreciated the handbag and muttered her apology. Had she deceived him into marrying her? He regretted getting married. Looking back now, perhaps he should not have taken that step; getting married to her.

Three months passed and Joy watched in pain as the gap between her and her husband widened. They were not on talking terms anymore. He ate whatever she served and afterwards avoided her like a plague. Joy had devised several means to get him to talk to her from walking around the house naked, to not cooking at times and each time she failed to get him to talk to her, she berated him and afterwards felt bad. She was at her wit’s end, she didn’t know what to do anymore. At this point, their marriage was headed for the rocks. She decided to see a therapist and if it did not work out. She was going to exit the marriage.

Glues and patchworks

She found a therapist and booked an appointment. After narrating how her marriage had been steadily heading for the rock amidst tears, the therapist gave her some pointers as to how she could get her husband to talk to her. At the end of her session, Joy felt some hope as she proceeded home. 

Joy got home and put extra effort into making Akin’s meal. He came back and when he settled down to eat, she watched with joy as he ate more than usual, her efforts had paid off, and it made her happy. When he was about to stand up, she quickly held his hands and asked to speak with him. 

How to know love language

Akin was reluctant to sit down, he didn’t want to be at the end of her razor-sharp tongue again. His earlier fears were dispelled when he listened to her as she appreciated him and his efforts towards making sure they were comfortable. He felt his heart flutter, he was uncomfortable. What had gotten into her? He wrenched his hands away from hers and hurriedly made his way inside. 

It was the tip of Joy’s tongue to berate him but she was not going to do that. Her therapist had warned her not to berate him because that was what she did that created helped the gap widen. Her therapist had told her it was going to take time so she had to bid her time. 

Joy continued for a month to appreciate her husband for everything he did. She wanted to give up several times but her desire for reconciliation surpassed her desire to give up.

How to know your partner’s love language… And two are one

After a month of consistently extending the olive branch, her husband had begun to come out of his shell.  The therapist’s advice had worked like magic. He shared his successes and worries with her. Joy always made sure to celebrate and appreciate him and encouraged him whenever was appropriate. She appreciated him at every turn. 

Joy however was not happy that her husband was not paying attention to her. Whenever he paid her attention, he paid it to her sparingly. She did not like that but each time, she appreciated him for spending time with her and confessed how good she felt. Based on the recommendation of her therapist, she opened up to him and asked that he come with her to see the therapist. She didn’t know what to expect but she wanted to be optimistic. 

The next day proved fruitful when he followed her to see the therapist. At the end of the session, Akin felt like someone had breathed fresh air into his marriage. He could see his contribution to the supposed gap in his marriage. He had to give it to his wife, she was smarter than he could ever be. She had taken action about the sorry state of their marriage and he had been content to live with it like that. He felt like a fool, all the while, he had been doing something else thinking it would make her love him not knowing it was putting a berth between him and his wife.

Forever after.

Akin made sure to cut back on work. Based on the recommendation of the therapist, he kept his laptop in the office. Every evening was strictly for his wife and whatever she wanted to do. To his delight, they had date nights at least two times a week. Joy was over the moon at the changed attitude of her husband. She loved him so much and returned his love effusively, always praising him. 

Akin had never felt so loved in his life, he thanked his stars his wife had enough sense to see a therapist. His marriage was better for it and nothing was going to change that.


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