I don’t love my husband anymore! What do I do? With tears in my eyes, I realized that if someone had told me I would never feel this way. I might have stoned the person to death. There were no butterflies in my belly. Just a look at him, and all I felt was repulsion. This was not the man I pledged forever to, in the presence of loved ones.
Hard to admit, I just don’t feel any love for my husband.
That day, he came back late as usual. I had already put the children to sleep. I would have shouted and he would have shouted too but I was tired. I did not look up to greet him. My focus was on the television.
He strode past me into our bedroom and I stayed in the sitting room till I felt sleepy. Went into our bedroom to sleep and saw his sprawled form on our bed. Nothing sounded better than smashing the flower vase that was on his head. I could not sleep, his snoring was a hindrance. I went back to the sitting room and slept off.
The next day, I intentionally woke up later than usual. I thought to myself, “since he does not care about me I will not waste my time catering to him“.
I was so fortunate that my elder sister visited a few days later. I entertained her and when she started asking about my husband, I became uneasy.
She could read my body language and I knew she sensed something was off.
My sister has never been one who beat around the bush.
She started asking me questions and I could not help but open up to her.
In the end, she asked what I was going to do next. I told her filing for a divorce was the next thing on my mind.
At the mention of divorce, I felt no pain or joy. It was just plain indifference. It seemed as though I had accepted my fate.
She asked when I intended to start the divorce process, I told her that for now, I was preparing myself and putting things in place. It would probably be in 3 or 6 months.
She asked if I still was willing to save my marriage and I said yes, though, I have tried my best already.
She gave me a list of things I could do to see if the marriage could still be salvaged. If these things do not work, then I can walk away. The first on the list was dialogue and round table talk.
I’m afraid I don’t love my husband anymore but just one last time.
Before my husband came back, I had taken time to look good and had prepared his favorite dish. I wanted us to talk, so I had to put him in the mood for that.
It had been a long time since we had a heart-to-heart conversation and that was exactly what I needed tonight before I closed the curtain on our marriage.
When he finally came back from work. I was not excited but I tried to smile. He was surprised and also uneasy. He asked if anything was wrong and I assured him nothing was wrong.
Rather, I offered food and to my delight, he ate ravenously. We retired to the sitting room.
Focusing my gaze on him, I started the conversation by telling him that I was no longer in love with him. The expression on his face was that of indifference and somehow, it hurt me a bit. I told him my sister knows about our situation and she was the one who gave me this task. Left to me, I would not be here with him but this is an attempt to save the marriage, somewhere in my heart, I still want to save my marriage.
Since it was my last attempt, I listed all the things that he had done that hurt me.
How he is no more attentive to me,
How he is always coming back late,
How he says I nag whenever I complain.
I made sure to get everything off my chest.
My husband was quiet for a while, and surprisingly he said, like me, he had been contemplating divorce for a while. The reason he was yet to act on it was that he was trying to consider my feelings and the fact that the kids are still young. Somewhere in his heart, he still believes our marriage can still work and since I am holding out the flag for reconciliation, he will work with me to save our marriage.
I realized I was at fault when he started mentioning the things which I did that put distance between us.
In addition for distance
According to him, our problem started when I gave birth to our first child. Before the birth of our first child. Our marriage was a match made in heaven. My husband and I did everything together. We were very close and our families delighted in the level of love that we showed each other. We were always ready to get each other naked but when our first child came, everything changed.
My husband made me understand that he appreciates the fact that we have kids and he is grateful for them. However, he was not happy with the way it changed the dynamics of our marriage.
After the birth of our first child, he noticed I withdrew from him. He found out it was the effect of postpartum, he tried to be there for me but I was always pushing him away. I became too busy with the baby, I did not give him the chance to be there for me by occupying myself with the baby.
When he would try to make love to me, I was not paying attention to him. I was making it look like a chore. He said my vagina was not as tight as before, he didn’t mind because he knows what I went through to have the kids but what hurt was the way I would lie still on the bed and he would have to do all the work himself. This made him feel undesired.
With the other two kids, it got worse. I made the kids my center of attention. Somehow, he began to resent me and resent the kids.
Many times, he would love to come back and just cuddle on the couch and I would be with the kids in the bedroom. When he would try to get in and be a part of his family, he would feel like an outsider. Most times he had to step out, and quite a few times, he went in to shower and cried. He was losing me.
Sometimes, he tried to gain my attention but he was unable to because I was far too focused on the kids and running the home.
By the time he was through, he had tears streaming down his face and I did not know when I joined him. I realized that we were both at fault and I made him realize that, he readily agreed with me. We made plans on how we were going to rekindle our love life and the first point of action was to get our kids out of the house to a relative’s place since they were on school break already.
I worked from home, my husband had to take a leave that was graciously granted.
The long walk to reconciliation
We had just one month and we had to use it properly. We started by having conversations and visiting a therapist. We made progress, and in about a week, we started opening up to each other. We rediscovered our shared love for companionship. We spent the night having deep conversations and thus a healing process for two souls.
Our conversations reminded me of how beautiful our sexual life was before our first child and I began to crave it.
I had made up my mind that I was not going to have sex with a loose vagina.
So I got Yoni herbs and began the process of tightening my vagina. I worked on my body and also ensured to be fit. While I was doing all these, my husband made sure he was attentive to me. And I appreciated the gesture by making little passes at him, a suggestive touch here and there. A brush at his mouth with my lips.
When finally had sex after three weeks, it was nothing short of heavenly. For the first time, my husband and I cried together.
The one week we had left was just a repeated sequence of sex, food, and conversations. We rechristened our home by having sex in almost every corner of the house. The random sex and the quickies are a story for another day.
It’s been a year now, I can tell you that I am happily married. I am glad that I did not give up on my marriage. It’s as though I just got married.
My children came back from holidays and met a loving atmosphere. They have bonded so well with their father and I am glad that my husband can hold the fort in the home whenever I am not around.
More than ever, we appreciate what we have and cherish it. We are also intentional about our actions, always keeping the line of our communication strong. We guard our alone moment jealously and do not allow the kids to interfere with that time.
My sister is the happiest person, she confessed that she has always admired my marriage. I thanked her for her timely and strategic advice.
Many couples go through this and they feel like this happens only in their marriage. I want to tell you that you are not the only one.
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